not safe

I have been told that I have to not purge while we stay with the hosts boyfriends parents. Four days with no purging and with eating 3 meals a day. I guess the boyfriend wil protect us from the bad man, but I am so scared.I just want to keep us safe, and to be safe we have to be small. If we are big we are no good for our job, we are no good for sex, and if we are no good for sex we are only good for beating. The boyfriend does not think this, but the bad man does, and the bad man said he would always find us, that our badness and corruption was within the fat and he could sense it.

If we eat and do not purge there will be fat, and if there is fat then the bad man can find us

Sarah

Fat

the mother is taking us shopping today. She says we are too fat and our clothing to small. The host says to ignore her, but I cannot. This is why I am here, to make sure the wishes of others are carried out, if we do as the mother wants, if we get rid of the fat, then the mother wil like and love us. But the host says I am wrong, and the doctors say the body cannot be smaller that the mother and I see unreal fat. But the fat is bad, the fat holds to corruption and evil, it is tainted, that is what the bad man said, he said that the fat is bad and makes people unable to use the body so instead they must hurt us and injure the body.

I am so confused do I allow us to eat and be fat, or do I stop us from eating and force us to exercise and get rid of the fat?

Sarah

Family

I’ve been thinking:

1. Is “family” worth the effort?
2. Why do we accept and take more shit from relitiave than friends?
3. Why is it that if a “friend” insulted and attcked us we’d cut them from our lives, but when it’s a family member we feel the need to keep trying with them?
4. Why do parents accept the trouble, issues and decisions of other peoples children more than they’ll accept those of their own children?

I’m thinking… I’m going to contue trying adn being nice, etc. until wednesday. but after that… **** them, that”s it, I can’t be arsed with it anymore. Wwhat do I need a family for anyway?

*sighs*

the way my mum talks about her work upsets me… she keeps going on about the people she works with and how awful there lives are, how vulnerable they are, how their existance is so so so awful yet they “get on with it”. She is so nice about them, she goes on about how strong and amazing they are to manage to live without family, or without work, or with X, Y and Z in their pasts. Yet me… well apparently NOTHING I could feel, see or experiance could ever be as bad as what they hae happen.

Earler she was talking about one of them who was raped, and how awful it was and how bad she feels for them. And how she is going to ring her tomorrow because it’s christmas and she wants to check onn her. Which is nice, and a good thing to do. But when I tod her I had been raped it was all “get over it”, “stop moaning”, “it wasn’t real rape”, etc…
Why does she care so much more about everyone else then she does about me?

and when I pointed out earlier that I did know what EDs were (when she was explaining this persons situration in a way that you may describe EDs to someone who’d never heard of one) and that I did used to have one she said “yet but with you it was a phase, with her it’s a real and dangerous illness”!!! I was fucking hospitalised!!! how is that “just a phase”???? And I may not be dangerously under weight anymore but I still struggle with food, after 6 years… how can 6 years be a phase?????

christmas

merry christmas all

we’re in shock right now… for first time in 11 years we got pressents!

externals

why do we need them? Why not just have our internal family?

Externals don’t understand anything, they insult and hurt one another and refuse to listen to reason. I wonder why we need them. It makes no sense they only hinder us, so why not get rid of them all?

Other than the hosts boyfriend I guess… he seems ok, but in general external people are hurtful awful people who can not realise that people are different, and cannot respect that

Michelle

my mum

i’m sure by now eeryone knows that my mum and i have fallen out…

well yesterday she decided that her did want me to go down for christmas (after over a month of saying I was not welcome)

today I called her to tell her about the travel disruptios caused by the snow… she threatened suicide if I didn’t turn up tonight and hung up… but the trains were out, so nothing I could do…

now I’ve had a LOT of missed clls from my gran and step-dad but I can’t seem to get in touch with anyone…

I’m really worried

snow

it’s 5am, it’s snowing, so my boyfriend and I went for a walk lol

http://s85.photobucket.com/albums/k52/shadowlight_2006/snow

In 17 hours

it will be exactly 6 years since our life turned to ****…

6 years ago we had been chucked out from the parents house, we had been homeless, we had ended up moving in with Tristan, we had been beaten, insulted and ridiculed…

but… we still had hope, we still had a future… 6 years ago in 17 hours that changed…
after that night we gave up… had officially become a mere “object” to be used and sold, an object with the sole purpose of pleasing others with no wants of needs of it’s own…

we stoped turning up to college, failed exams, didn’t do coursework… ended up leaving and going to college, but only to appear “normal”… failed that too…

only came to uni in order to escape… only did this course as it was all that wuld accept us… only clmed to have ambitions and hopes as that was what “normal” people had…

but then… over the last few weeks things changed… we had a future again… had hopes and wants… we had a plabn to go back to college and then go do a degrree in what WE wanted to do, not just whatever would take us…

but… because we did college back then, and because we came to uni we’re going to have to pay stupid amounts of tution fees a year to do a different degree cannot be afforded

if that night 6 years ago had not happened we’d have passed our A-levels and now be studying physics. The life that was planned woudl exist.

however… if it was not for that night and so the events that fllowed then would never have met Jack…

I thought tat I was doing right, going to college… I thought it was the right thing to do, even though I knew I could not pass with all that was going on… But ends up I should not have fought, I shold have sat back and let a;; the bad stuff happen without trying to have a “Life” without trying to be “normal”, without trying to be what I am not. I should have just sat in that flat and let him hit and rape me, I should have given him the children he wanted.
I shouldn’t have tried to better myself nor escape the situration. If I had just sat there and let it happen then now I would be able to go to colleege and uni for the first time, and so not pay tutition fees.

don’t understand… we fught fighting was the righ thing to do

people on the internet

the last few days have been awful…

We joined a new forum, one for students. We joined it to ask some advise on our future, but also to help and advise others. While there we discovered the debate section, the host used to be a debater, she loved it, but he people at the debating soceity shun us and forced us out… so we joined in that section in an attempt to learn how to deal with these sors of people (basically snobby tory twats who think they are better than everyone)

Firstly they kept insulting our spelling… we are dyslexic (appart from Michelle) and we have brain damage, our bad spelling is not from laziness or stupidity, it’s from illness. But these people did not care and kept insulting us over it over and over

Then someone told us we should be ashamed for admiting that we were mentall ill…

then we got into an got into an argument about benefits…

These are some of the things they said:

• “You need to have the initiative to help yourself because it’s in your interest. When you go shopping you don’t wait for someone to offer you the best deal, you go out there and look for it.”
• “Just saying, people who don’t know they are entitled to certain benefits probably don’t need them”
• “Why should our hard earned money fund the “uneducated moron”? “
• “you are going round giving MY money out for free. ******* congratulations. there isnt a single person in gb, including those on the dole, who lives in subsistance. these people who cba working need no more of my money. they deserve none of what they get already”

This realy hurt us… we cannot work, and when we stated this we were attacked… nasty PMs, nasty e-mails… it was awful…

We told them about our illnesses and little of our past and we were accused of lying!!!

We’ve left that forum now (after telling them EXACTLY what we thought of them) but we are still gettng the nasty e-mails

why can people not just se me for me? us for us?
why do they all only see the wage packet, the job title, the parents social class, the diagnosis, the illness? We are NOT our parents, and out illnesses do NOT define us. Why can so few people see past the brokenness to the human below?