Too much thinking…

been thinking too much… and when I think too much I come to sme fairly depressing conclusions… and far too many unanswerable questions…

had a chaotic few days… sort of felt like was back to square one… all that time convincing myself that it was not my fault sort of died and seemed wasted… started going over and over the events in my head again looking for any and all mistakes I made…
added to that a “new” alter has made an appearance. I have no “contact” with her, but Jack (my partner) “met” her at the weekend. Apprently she had no name then, and refused to come up with on as names “have to be given”… so she is now called Luna, due to her love of night time.
But I’ve also been thinking… I’ve seriously “not been there” for most of my life, I’ve actually missed most of my life… that’s… I don’t know… strange to think I guess… and a who we are is made up, in part, from our pasts and experiances, well… doesn’t that make me sort of “incomplete”? I know I’m not really incomplete as such, just sort of fragmented, but… well if I am “incomplete” then who am I? And if I don’t fully know who I am then how can I be a part of the world? How can I know what wants and needs are mine and which are not? How can I know what is me and what is just what my parents and other bad people sort of “programmed” into me?

Other thing I’ve been thinking is… is it all worth it? When you think about it the world is a violent, nasty place, full of evil and hurt… is all the fighting to survive really worth it in the end?

I also miss Isabelle… really miss her… I’m not sure if Ive spoken abut her on here before… but Isabelle is my daughter, she was born prematurely very ill, and she didn’t survive. People say I shouldn’t still be upset, esspecially as she was conseived via a rape. But the rape wasn’t her fault, who her father was wasn’t her fault. and I do miss her… it feels like something is missing… deep inside… I wanted to give her all the thngs I never had, I wanted to be a good parent, to show her love and kindness.To make it worse I think it was my fault that Isabelle died… when I got to the hospital after going into premature laoure they gave me some drugs to try to stop the labur but it didn’t work because it was too late… I culd have been there earlier… I could… and she’d have lived…

I miss Sam too… I really did fail him, misscariaed at 19weeks after a suicide attempt…

I wish they were here… Then I would actually have a family… I want to have been able to have given them a great life, the life I never got to have with my parents, I want to have given them the chance of life. But I failed them, failed both of them.


3 Responses to “Too much thinking…”

  1. meredith Says:

    Dear Shadowlight, et. al,
    You wrote: Other thing I’ve been thinking is… is it all worth it? When you think about it the world is a violent, nasty place, full of evil and hurt… is all the fighting to survive really worth it in the end?

    I think about the same thing, at times. I wonder what, on earth, my going to therapy and working to Be matters in a world so full of chaos. To see that you had written it, however, really surprised me because your articles bring so much enlightenment to the DID community.

    Words are power. Every time you write you offer tools for empowerment, and you show the world that evil has not prevailed in your world. You have said, NO.

    This means a lot to me in many ways. You write both from an informative viewpoint and a personal one. The combination offers value to my life because it then occurs to me that I can use my life toward a worthwhile end, as well.

    I am sorry about your babies. You have not failed them, though. I don’t think you have. You’ve continued to go on, despite your setbacks and perceived mistakes. That’s what kids want from from a parent… and you are still their parent, even if they are not present.

    I don’t have my children with me, and it hurts. I had to turn and walk away. The pain and stigma that goes with that is crippling, sometimes. I wish it could have been different, too.

    Thank you, though, for writing your posts. Thank you, thank you. You make such a diffence–what you are doing IS worth it.

  2. jo-sexualself-injury Says:

    I’m always over thinging things. Can drive me crazy some times. I don’t have any children, but I do know what loses feel like. Thanks for all the great information you post.

  3. meredith Says:

    Meredith, again, We never get over the babies. We don’t, no matter what is said. My dad took two of mine… and I was a kid, and I go to therapy, and I still grieve… and I still think of how I could have done it differently to save them…

    How can we know? How can we ever know? We can’t. We can cry. We can cry and express our regret and sorrow… and hope.

    Every day that you show up and write about your life makes a difference for me, for the babies that I lost, and the grief that waits to consume me.

    I have two choices. I can turn, walking with a limp, or I can submit to the overwhelming stigma.

    When you choose to write your truth… somehow… I can cry without submitting to guilt, shame, an death. I don’t know about you, but I was a kid…. And my demon was DADDY. I live one day at a time. I live one breath at a time, some days. And some days, it occurs to me that God is not nearly as brutal as my subconscious.

    My hope for you is peace. We do the best we can. Really, we do.

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