Stress and the past

Last week I met with a psych who saw me when I was 10. As many probably know I remember very little (other than a few disjointed images and feelings and flashbacks) before the age of 15 so the idea was to see this psych and get copiess of my notes. So I saw him yesterday and went through the notes and now I know what happened, I now know why we are the way we are, know why we are multiple, know what happened. Still don’t remember much, though the flashbacks are increasing. From what I now understand my mum used to have a guy accross the street “baby sit” me and he was not exactly a good babysitter… the psych said that we (him, myself and my grandparents) tried to take legal action but that by this time the guy had died and none of the others invovled could be identified

I always knew my parents messed me up a bit, and that may have contributed a little to my staying with Tristan (my ex) for as long as I did… but I now know that there were more things that happened before that so now I dont even know how many people have essentially used me for one thing or another I just find it interesting how this guy when I was a kid and Tristan both used me essentially in the same way… the guy sold me to people, and Tristan sold me to drug dealers and used me to film “rape porn” which he then sold. So essentially by 2 seperate people, at 2 seperate times, in 2 seperate cities I had my body used to gain money… is that what I am to people? A form of income? As stupid as this may sound I can accept the abuse from Tristan hisself, and from his friends, for some reason when I think about that I still feel like they at least concidered me a person, but when they brought other people into it and when they planned it out to create an income for theirselves it just feels like suddenly I bacame an object, not a person, not alive, just a thing.

I’m also stressed… seriously stressed… won’t go into detail but bacially money trouble, family issues, relationship issues, psychological issues and appecting of the past issues.

It’s starting to make me ill though… I can’t sleep, I can’t consentrate on stuff and I am CONSTANTLY tired and in pain from headaches and stomach pains. I can’t eat properly and every time I do I end up having stabbing pains. Due to the stress level flashbacks have increased, not to mention due to the new discoveries from my past which have also added to the flashbacks.

Then this morning on my way to check the post I went dizzy, my vision started to fade, I lost all feeling in my legs, and the next thing I knew I was at the bottom of te stairs. I’ve not got a masive bruise on my leg 😦

I am so tired all the time. I wake up on a morning feeling just as tired as I did when I went to bed, the fact that I’m having nightmares and so not sleeping much isn’t helping either. Went to GPs today to get an appointment, they dont have any till NOVEMBER!!! :/ so now I’m going to just have to hope that someone cancels their appointment so that I can have it insted

eugh, sometimes life just loves to pile rubbish up.

However, on a lghter note, my photography buisiness is starting to make headway 🙂 – even been booked for a wedding in December!


physical symptoms of anxiety

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Dry mouth

Your mouth may feel uncomfortably dry, and you may feel that you cannot swallow properly. This can interfere with eating, so if you are feeling anxious in a restaurant, for example, then eating can become almost impossible. Difficulties in swallowing can also create the sensation of choking, and you may start to hyperventilate as a result.

The reason for the dry mouth is that the body diverts bodily fluid to your bloodstream to increase your blood volume. Increased blood volume is needed to send extra energy to the muscles and increase heart rate in preparation to flee from a situation or fight to defend yourself.


A palpitation is a rapid succession of quick heartbeats. Yu may feel your heart pounding or thumping, or feel every beat pulsating through your body. You may even feel like your heart is going to explode or that it may stop completely. It is nearly impossible to forget about or ignore as the hammering and pounding are always there, pulling it to the forfront of your mind.

Many people who suffer from anxiety experience palpitations both during the day and night. You may be dropping off to sleep only to be awoken by a series of palpitations, or you may awake in the middle of the night covered in sweat suffering from palpitations. These palpitations at night can be particularly unsettling as they seem to happen completely out of the blue, with no pattern nor trigger. It can also may make it very difficult for you to get back to sleep

Feelings of choking or suffocation

This is caused by over breathing (hyperventilation). To increase the level of oxygen in the blood, your body will increase your lung function and rate of breathing. Because your chest muscles become tense it can feel difficult to take a deep breath. This may cause you to panic even more, thinking that you will become unable to breath. You may “grasp” or “gulp” for air, bringing about feelings of choking and suffocation. This feeling can also be exacerbated by the dry mouth feling (discussed above).

Chest pain or tightening

This can be a particularly unnerving symptom as people often start to think that they may have something wrong with their heart. These stabbing pains and tight feelings though are caused by hyperventilating due to the quantity of carbon-dioxide leaving the body at such a fast rate.

Feeling dizzy, light-headed, or unsteady

This is caused by a number of actions within the anxious body. Hyperventilating is the main culprit, causing a light-headed feeling. When we are anxious our pupils also dilate, which can put everything slightly out of focus, which adds to this light-headed/dizzy feeling. The brain and body work overtime, constantly searching for danger and assessing potential escape routes, making concentrating or focusing on anything else a near impossibility.

“butterflys in the stomach”

This along with over digestional symptoms, such as nausea or a frequent need to use the toilet, are caused as the body redirects blood flow from the digestional tract to the muscles in preparation to fight or flee.

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