Stress and the past

Last week I met with a psych who saw me when I was 10. As many probably know I remember very little (other than a few disjointed images and feelings and flashbacks) before the age of 15 so the idea was to see this psych and get copiess of my notes. So I saw him yesterday and went through the notes and now I know what happened, I now know why we are the way we are, know why we are multiple, know what happened. Still don’t remember much, though the flashbacks are increasing. From what I now understand my mum used to have a guy accross the street “baby sit” me and he was not exactly a good babysitter… the psych said that we (him, myself and my grandparents) tried to take legal action but that by this time the guy had died and none of the others invovled could be identified

I always knew my parents messed me up a bit, and that may have contributed a little to my staying with Tristan (my ex) for as long as I did… but I now know that there were more things that happened before that so now I dont even know how many people have essentially used me for one thing or another I just find it interesting how this guy when I was a kid and Tristan both used me essentially in the same way… the guy sold me to people, and Tristan sold me to drug dealers and used me to film “rape porn” which he then sold. So essentially by 2 seperate people, at 2 seperate times, in 2 seperate cities I had my body used to gain money… is that what I am to people? A form of income? As stupid as this may sound I can accept the abuse from Tristan hisself, and from his friends, for some reason when I think about that I still feel like they at least concidered me a person, but when they brought other people into it and when they planned it out to create an income for theirselves it just feels like suddenly I bacame an object, not a person, not alive, just a thing.

I’m also stressed… seriously stressed… won’t go into detail but bacially money trouble, family issues, relationship issues, psychological issues and appecting of the past issues.

It’s starting to make me ill though… I can’t sleep, I can’t consentrate on stuff and I am CONSTANTLY tired and in pain from headaches and stomach pains. I can’t eat properly and every time I do I end up having stabbing pains. Due to the stress level flashbacks have increased, not to mention due to the new discoveries from my past which have also added to the flashbacks.

Then this morning on my way to check the post I went dizzy, my vision started to fade, I lost all feeling in my legs, and the next thing I knew I was at the bottom of te stairs. I’ve not got a masive bruise on my leg 😦

I am so tired all the time. I wake up on a morning feeling just as tired as I did when I went to bed, the fact that I’m having nightmares and so not sleeping much isn’t helping either. Went to GPs today to get an appointment, they dont have any till NOVEMBER!!! :/ so now I’m going to just have to hope that someone cancels their appointment so that I can have it insted

eugh, sometimes life just loves to pile rubbish up.

However, on a lghter note, my photography buisiness is starting to make headway 🙂 – http://shadowlightphotography.wordpress.com/ even been booked for a wedding in December!

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5km santa run

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On the 5th of December I am going to be running 5km through London in a santa suit!!!

why am I doing this you ask? Well I am doing it to raise money for charity 😀
I’m aiming to raise £150 for the charity War Child (War Child is an international charity that works with children affected by war in Afghanistan, Iraq, Democratic Republic of Congo and Uganda).

DID YOU KNOW THAT: the development of lighter weapons – such as the AK47 – means that boys as young as eight can be armed?
DID YOU KNOW THAT: The number of children under the age of 18 who have been coerced or induced to take up arms as child soldiers is generally thought to be in the range of 300,000?
DID YOU KNOW THAT: The youngest child soldiers are about 7 years old?
DID YOU KNOW THAT: Over 50 countries currently recruit children under age 18 into their armed forces?
DID YOU KNOW THAT: Forcible abductions, sometimes of large numbers of children, continue to occur in some countries?
DID YOU KNOW THAT: Children as young as nine have been abducted and used in combat?

Please sponcer me

Some petitions

The feelings of an abused child

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An attempt to express the feelings that a child goes through during an abusive upbringing. This needs some editing, I wrote it while still semi-dissociaty after a flashback while the feelings were still there so the grammar and stuff needs looking at.

They claim that they love and care for you, but that you need to be taught about the horrors and evils of the world to be made stronger. They both protect and comfort you, but also place you in situations where you feel that you are going to die you experience pain so intense that you cannot think; your head spins; our insides burn; you can no longer remember who you are or why you are here.

All you know is pain, all you feel in desperation. You consider crying out for help, but no one will listen, you can’t stop nor change what is happening. No matter that you do or say the pain will never stop. You are told the pain and suffering, the fear and horror is for your own good. Told that you need discipline, that you asked for it with your misbehaviour. Betrayal seems like too simple a word to describe the feelings of pain, loneliness and isolation.

When you try to talk about the pain you are told that you must be crazy: “nothing bad has happened to you”, “stop looking for attention”, “shut up already”. Each day you begin to feel more and more like you no longer know what is real. You stop trusting your own feelings as no one else acknowledges them so you must be over-reacting.

You learn to do everything that you are told with the upmost compliance, you forget everything that you ever wanted or hoped for. The pain is still there, lurking beneath the surface, but it is easier to pretend it’s not there, to bury the horrors that are in the deepest darkest corners of the mind.
The pain grows to an unbearable level, until your feelings start to shut down, you become numb: lonely and desperate you begin to give up on the senses that make people feel alive. You feel dead, you wish you were dead, there is no way out and there is no hope.

psych letter

interestig ting through post today:

Self-harm – the reality

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Self-harm is generally defined as acting to deliberately injure yourself physically. The exact form of harm varies, some forms being invisible or don’t leave a wound, whereas others are visible, damaging the skin or other outer area. These visible forms (especially cutting) are seen as a more common form, but due to the secrecy held by many self-harmers regarding the activity and their reluctance to seek medical attention make it difficult to judge the real scale of self-harm.

Some people always harm using the same method, others use different methods based on what is available at the time or what will be easiest to hide. Some people who engage in self-harm do so only on specific parts of the body, others will vary in what area they harm, though many do say that they favour one area, failing to get the same degree of relief/comfort/pain/etc from other areas.

One very important thing to remember when discussing self-harm is the difference between acts with the intention of causing harm to the body and acts with the intention of ending ones life. In some ways these two actions could be seen as opposite to one another, with suicidal actions aiming to escape from life by ending it, whereas self-harm is an attempt to cope with life with the aim of continuing it. However, it is important to be aware that self-harm is often very closely linked to suicidal thoughts and attempts. Statistically those who self harm are many times more likely to attempt suicide than those who do not. Even those who are not suicidal may risk their life unintentionally if their harming becomes serious. Most teenagers say they harm in an attempt to express distress and escape difficult situations, but every year some lose their lives, even though this was not their aim.

How common is self-harm?

As with many emotional and mental health issues, where so many keep their suffering a secret, it can be very hard to gain accurate figures.  Another important consideration is that often even the friends and family of the person will be unaware of the self-harm, to such a degree is this secrecy.. What we do know though is that in the UK alone self-harm is responsible for over 150000 admissions to A&E a year, and this is only counting those who admit to their wounds being self inflicted. Research conducted anomalously through charities and support groups also indicate that only about 15% of people who self-harm will seek medical attention for their wounds, so this 150000 really can only be seen as the tip of the ice-berg.

People of all ages and from all backgrounds may at some time engage in self-harm, though it is most commonly seen among adolescents.  The NICE report into self harm indicates that the average age changes of adolescence have been removed, but for many the issue will continue into adulthood. Self harm seems to be more common in females than in males overall, though in fact more boys than girls under the age of 10 are admitted to hospital due to self-harm. In adolescence, girls may be around two or four times likely than boys harm in different ways and may be more likely to cover it up as the result of an accident or a fight. Self harm also occurs in adults, and there is some evidence that adults who self harm are at greater risk of serious consequences such as suicide attempts or hospital admission.

One group of adults who seem particularly vulnerable to self harm are prisoners, over half of female prisoners on remand say that they have self-harmed at some point in their lives. This may be because some of the common triggers of self-harm are more common in those who are vulnerable to committing crimes than in the general population, the actual prison environment may also serve to cause self-harm as prisoners are likely to know others who self-harm, may be discouraged from openly expressing emotion, and are often unlikely to gain access to support for mental health issues.

Is it worth it?

This is a sensitive area, but it needs to be discussed I think. I started self-harming at the age of 6, I am now 23, in that time I have had a bit of  a love/hate relationship with the act. Self-harm doesn’t just cause instant damage; there can be long-term effects, as well.
Each method of self-harm has it’s own variety of physical long-term risks from scaring to internal damage. Cutting is seen as the most common form of self harm, this has many risks not only scarring – cutting your skin can have more serious consequences. If you are cutting your wrist, you’re not very far away from the mechanics of the inside of your arm, every year lots of people injure tendons, nerves, blood vessels and muscles. And although some of these can be repaired, if you cut a major nerve in your wrist you can be left with permanent weakness or numbness in your hand. Burning is similar to cutting in that it causes damage to the skin and can leave a scar, but burns are far more likely to become infected which creates it’s own set of problems. Chemical burns, however, can cause massive destruction and people can even lose limbs. Potentially it can be life threatening.
Because of the fragility of the head and brain, repeatedly banging your head against a wall or another object could do long-term damage. While there hasn’t been particular research into head banging as a form of self-harm, researchers have investigated whether footballers are at risk of brain damage through heading footballs and in 2002, a coroner ruled that Jeff Astle, a former England World Cup player, died from a brain disease that was caused by constantly heading footballs. Meanwhile, research from America found that the greater the number of times a ball had been headed, the more that reaction time and flexibility of thinking was reduced.
An overdose of any drug is not healthy for your body, and the effects will vary depending on what you took, and the quantity. The main organs affected by paracetamol overdoses are your liver and kidneys. Assuming the initial effects are treated, there is then a chance that long-term organ damage can occur.
There are other forms of self-harm too which are equally dangerous, but these are less common so I will not discuss them here.

The effects of self-harm those are not just physical. The act and the resulting scars make you feel like an outcast, people judge you for what you have done, you feel guilty and ashamed which causes a decrease in self-esteme and people to retreat from society and from the help and support that is out there. When a person has relied on self-harm as a form of coping for a long period of time it also becomes their main coping method, when things feel too much the mind automatically goes to self-harm any and all alternative methods of coping are thrust from the mind until it feels as if self-harm is the only way to feel better. Due to this recovery from self-harm requires not only being able to let go of an act which you have come to rely upon but also relearning other ways to cope and to deal with things which occur in life. This is a long and difficult process.

Self harm is a legitamate coping mechanism, but there are better ones out there. When you self-harm you get a temporary release, but once that’s faded the problem is still there with the added issue of isolation, shame and possibly a hospital visit. In short, no, self-harm is not worth it, but for many it has become their sole method to getting through life. So no, self-harm is not a good thing, it’s not something that should be celebrated nor taken lightly, but it also should not be ridiculed and those who suffer and struggle with it should not be shuned for the act. People need support and understanding not isolation and insults.

Internally Shattered – a poem about DID

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Internally Shattered

We’re fractured, fragmented, internally shattered
Broken and fragmented, memories scattered.
Hear the echoes of nightmare screams.
See them clawing at me in my dreams
Cry for all children torn and tattered.
We’re fractured, fragmented, internally shattered

We see the world battered and dark,
Hear screams and shouts hurt by each remark.
We wish to feel safe and secure
But the pain and fear we must endure,
Broken and fragmented, memories scattered.
We’re fractured, fragmented, internally shattered

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