Stress and the past

Last week I met with a psych who saw me when I was 10. As many probably know I remember very little (other than a few disjointed images and feelings and flashbacks) before the age of 15 so the idea was to see this psych and get copiess of my notes. So I saw him yesterday and went through the notes and now I know what happened, I now know why we are the way we are, know why we are multiple, know what happened. Still don’t remember much, though the flashbacks are increasing. From what I now understand my mum used to have a guy accross the street “baby sit” me and he was not exactly a good babysitter… the psych said that we (him, myself and my grandparents) tried to take legal action but that by this time the guy had died and none of the others invovled could be identified

I always knew my parents messed me up a bit, and that may have contributed a little to my staying with Tristan (my ex) for as long as I did… but I now know that there were more things that happened before that so now I dont even know how many people have essentially used me for one thing or another I just find it interesting how this guy when I was a kid and Tristan both used me essentially in the same way… the guy sold me to people, and Tristan sold me to drug dealers and used me to film “rape porn” which he then sold. So essentially by 2 seperate people, at 2 seperate times, in 2 seperate cities I had my body used to gain money… is that what I am to people? A form of income? As stupid as this may sound I can accept the abuse from Tristan hisself, and from his friends, for some reason when I think about that I still feel like they at least concidered me a person, but when they brought other people into it and when they planned it out to create an income for theirselves it just feels like suddenly I bacame an object, not a person, not alive, just a thing.

I’m also stressed… seriously stressed… won’t go into detail but bacially money trouble, family issues, relationship issues, psychological issues and appecting of the past issues.

It’s starting to make me ill though… I can’t sleep, I can’t consentrate on stuff and I am CONSTANTLY tired and in pain from headaches and stomach pains. I can’t eat properly and every time I do I end up having stabbing pains. Due to the stress level flashbacks have increased, not to mention due to the new discoveries from my past which have also added to the flashbacks.

Then this morning on my way to check the post I went dizzy, my vision started to fade, I lost all feeling in my legs, and the next thing I knew I was at the bottom of te stairs. I’ve not got a masive bruise on my leg 😦

I am so tired all the time. I wake up on a morning feeling just as tired as I did when I went to bed, the fact that I’m having nightmares and so not sleeping much isn’t helping either. Went to GPs today to get an appointment, they dont have any till NOVEMBER!!! :/ so now I’m going to just have to hope that someone cancels their appointment so that I can have it insted

eugh, sometimes life just loves to pile rubbish up.

However, on a lghter note, my photography buisiness is starting to make headway 🙂 – http://shadowlightphotography.wordpress.com/ even been booked for a wedding in December!

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“the trauma myth” – part 2

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(part one be seen here)

The amazons book description states:

“Few would argue that the experience of sexual abuse is deeply traumatic for a child. But in this explosive new book, psychologist Susan Clancy reports on years of research and contends that it is not the abuse itself that causes trauma—but rather the narrative that is later imposed on the abuse experience. Clancy demonstrates that the most common feeling victims report is not fear or panic, but confusion. Because children don’t understand sexual encounters in the same ways that adults do, they normally accommodate their perpetrators— something they feel intensely ashamed about as adults. The professional assumptions about the nature of childhood trauma can harm victims by reinforcing these feelings. Survivors are thus victimized not only by their abusers but also by the industry dedicated to helping them. Path-breaking and controversial, The Trauma Myth empowers survivors to tell their own stories, and radically reshapes our understanding of abuse and its aftermath.”

The problem with this “theory” is that it confuses a lack of immediate response of a victim with a lack of harm or trauma. When trauma is defined only as stereotypical upset that leads many people to believe there was no trauma.

Some of those who sexually abuse children may enjoy terrorising them but others enjoy misusing the trust of a child, or grooming them. If complying resulted in the transformation of a parent’s persistent verbal abuse into caring words the child craves, the abuser will have trained the child to have a positive association with the harm. This is additional harm, not a reduction of harm.
This view also leads to bystanders deciding not to intercede because the child doesn’t seem to have stereotypical trauma and isn’t obviously afraid of the abuser.

What the research Clancy examines should teach those who want to help children is that we all need to understand that responses meant to help victims and survivors of sexual abuse need to be sensitive to this contrast between harm/trauma and upset.
The way people who are trying to help directly impact a child’s life can have that child preferring the harm they don’t understand to a frightening unknown. A child who has been harmed by those who supposedly care the most about their well-being may have difficulty believing that others won’t be as bad or worse. This does not mean that the sexual abuse they experienced was not in itself harmful.

Unfortunately, many people will assume that victims of sexual abuse were fully willing participants if they are more afraid of the unknown than they are of sexual abuse and cling to a sexual abuser.

Our society as a whole has serious problems in viewing any sexual abuse or rape victim who accommodates a sexual abuser as a real victim. Too many people confuse accommodation with freely given consent. Too many people have trouble viewing those who didn’t accommodate sex criminals as being real victims. This is a bit like how our society seems to have a level of disbelief surrounding domestic abuse on the basis of “if they were being hurt then why don’t they leave?”

Unfortunately it is part of the character of an abuser to not only convince the world that they are not doing anything but also to convince the victim that they deserve it, the world will blame them, the alternative is worse, that they really do love and care for them, and other such lies to manipulate the victim. This can sort of be compared to stockholm syndrome – another idea which society has issues with.

I think the best way to think of all this is that not everyone will react the same to a situration, not everyone shows the effects of trauma in the same way, and some people will actually go out of their way to hide the effects that events have had on them. But I refuse to believe for one second that this theory of child sexual abuse holds any weight, I also think that this theory is actually damaging to society; creating an atmosphere and basis for sexual predators and paedophiles to be able to get away with and even justify their crimes.

Anger and blame

We are really really angry at them! at everyone who hurt us… Don’t feel it was us anymore, something clicked… and now we are so so angry…

they stole my life… they destroyed everything I had. They wrecked my education, destroyed my chances of the future I wanted. They damaged my mind to the point that I’m not sure I’ll ever be “normal”. They’ve caused me to waste years of my life, meaning that now I have to try to make up for lost time accademically, fiinancially and occupationally.

Michelle has been telling us this for years, but none of us ever believed her.

and… I hate them for it… I actually hate them, all of them… my parents, Steve, Tristan, John, the bullies, the drug dealer, the random people in the street who’ve yelled stuff at me, the teachers who didn’t stop the bullies, the neighbours who heard me scareaming for help but never came, the police who refused to help me, basically EVERYONE!!!

honestly right now hate the world… I don’t like this, I want to throw something, hit something, break something. I want to cause so much damage… I can’t seem to calm down.
We NEED to damage the world as much as it has damaged us!

they have taken everything… my confidence, my self-esteme, my ability to go outside, my ability to properly feel emotions, my friends, my family… everything… even my degree ended due to the damage they caused. Part of me actually wishes that Tristan was still alive so I could hurt him.

I don’t like this anger. I don’t like the things that right now I want to do to these people. It makes me as bad as them

Anger also riles up Michelle, and finding it hard to keep her in control… she can be quite dangerous when she wants to be and I don’t fancy another night in a jail cell…

So, who are we?

Well I am Hazel, I have been writting most of our posts so far. I am the core personality, in other words I am the original. I’m 22 and I am a student studying physiology.

I’m Michelle, I’m 17. I am the strength in our system, I hold them all together. I keep people away, keep the body safe and will never let anyone hurt any of us again.

My name is Sarah, and I am 16. The others in my system don’t like me much, they regard me as weak and dirty. I think I remind them of the past… They dislike me as I do not treat the body well… I self-harm and restrict/purge and they think this shows my weakness even more… But I only do it as those are the rules that the bad man made, and breaking them is dangerous.
Anyway, bad stuff aside, I really like music, painting, reading and going on hikes. I esspecially like mountains and lakes, luckily we live in Scotland so those arre both fairly common 🙂

hi. I am Rachel, I am 15 years old. I always feel a little isolated from the rest of the system, a bit useless and unimportant. But I am told this is not true.
I lie to write, mainly poetry which the host then lets me put on her DeviantART page which I like 😀

Hi… I b Jenny. I 6

BOO! hehe 😛
me b Jess. me b hellper me tri 2 b guds an hellp ceep bodi safs 😀 . me liks kitties an tofee

mi b faith mi b 4.

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