Stress and the past

Last week I met with a psych who saw me when I was 10. As many probably know I remember very little (other than a few disjointed images and feelings and flashbacks) before the age of 15 so the idea was to see this psych and get copiess of my notes. So I saw him yesterday and went through the notes and now I know what happened, I now know why we are the way we are, know why we are multiple, know what happened. Still don’t remember much, though the flashbacks are increasing. From what I now understand my mum used to have a guy accross the street “baby sit” me and he was not exactly a good babysitter… the psych said that we (him, myself and my grandparents) tried to take legal action but that by this time the guy had died and none of the others invovled could be identified

I always knew my parents messed me up a bit, and that may have contributed a little to my staying with Tristan (my ex) for as long as I did… but I now know that there were more things that happened before that so now I dont even know how many people have essentially used me for one thing or another I just find it interesting how this guy when I was a kid and Tristan both used me essentially in the same way… the guy sold me to people, and Tristan sold me to drug dealers and used me to film “rape porn” which he then sold. So essentially by 2 seperate people, at 2 seperate times, in 2 seperate cities I had my body used to gain money… is that what I am to people? A form of income? As stupid as this may sound I can accept the abuse from Tristan hisself, and from his friends, for some reason when I think about that I still feel like they at least concidered me a person, but when they brought other people into it and when they planned it out to create an income for theirselves it just feels like suddenly I bacame an object, not a person, not alive, just a thing.

I’m also stressed… seriously stressed… won’t go into detail but bacially money trouble, family issues, relationship issues, psychological issues and appecting of the past issues.

It’s starting to make me ill though… I can’t sleep, I can’t consentrate on stuff and I am CONSTANTLY tired and in pain from headaches and stomach pains. I can’t eat properly and every time I do I end up having stabbing pains. Due to the stress level flashbacks have increased, not to mention due to the new discoveries from my past which have also added to the flashbacks.

Then this morning on my way to check the post I went dizzy, my vision started to fade, I lost all feeling in my legs, and the next thing I knew I was at the bottom of te stairs. I’ve not got a masive bruise on my leg 😦

I am so tired all the time. I wake up on a morning feeling just as tired as I did when I went to bed, the fact that I’m having nightmares and so not sleeping much isn’t helping either. Went to GPs today to get an appointment, they dont have any till NOVEMBER!!! :/ so now I’m going to just have to hope that someone cancels their appointment so that I can have it insted

eugh, sometimes life just loves to pile rubbish up.

However, on a lghter note, my photography buisiness is starting to make headway 🙂 – even been booked for a wedding in December!

Money stress :(

This is getting stupid.

I’ve dropped out of uni and applied for ESA, but there are several problems. The first is that after making 3 appointments with my GP I still have not got a doctors note… I can’t get there… it’s about 200m up the road, but I can’t get there…
Secondly as I haven’t got enough NI contributions I had to apply for the income ESA, so they need my and my partners details, this includes that fact that he worked abroad for a bit 3 years ago. But we cannot find his visa from then
Thirdly they want proof that I am not a student, but I don’t have anything… I dropped out just before Christmas, but I didn’t get a letter or anything like that. I emailed the uni yesterday about it and they want me to go in tomorrow to speak to someone about it… but the whole reason I left is that I CANNOT GET THERE…

Unfortuantly although the uni are being slow processing my withdrawl the loan company was not, so I didn’t get a January loan, so I can’t even fall back on that.

I just tried to ring to ask what I’m meant to do, but the phone got diverted to BT asking me to pay a bill… but I have no money
Luckily out internet is with tiscali and it looks like it’s been paid, well, either that or it’s going to go down in the next few days…

I don’t know what to do… I got my DLA last week, but it went straight away on rent and an overdue electric bill… So in reality all we have to live on is my partners loan, so £1086 to last until april… ye right, when our rent alone is £575 a month

I need a new prescription of my meds too… but I a) can’t seem to get to the doctors, and b) don’t have any money for the prescription charge…

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